If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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