hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
