I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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