Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
