i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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