some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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