She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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