You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
