where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
