I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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