her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
