yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
