she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
