Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
