I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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