Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
