well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Bring me that man meat
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
