Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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