so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
