If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
