This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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