Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
