come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
