She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
