I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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