you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
