i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
