My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Two words: nipple clamps
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