Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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