I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
