So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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