i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
