@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
