I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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