and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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