I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
