he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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