People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
