So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
