how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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