I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
