Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize