She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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