needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
