barbara walters just said penis...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
