I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
