I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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