Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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