Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
