You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
